My recovery, a step by step model.

On February 12, 2007 I admitted to myself and a group of people that I am an alcoholic. I admitted that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. This was a huge step in my life. I always thought that this wouldn't happen to me, that in some way I could will it away. Having grown up with an alcoholic father who did me and my sister a favor by leaving, I didn't think I would be as likely to fall into the destructive cycle of alcoholism. Turns out it's a disease as opposed to a chosen path.

I was rather nervous at my first meeting. I didn't know what to expect, were they going to make me talk, was I gonna have to admit all of my faults right there in front of everybody, at the first meeting? That wasn't the case at all. I'm glad I went, and I'm glad that I have a sponsor who talks with me everyday, and I'm glad that I found a group of people so enlightened as to not hold it against me. I feel that I've found a place where I fit, for the first time.

Step one was admitting my problem. It seems that that wouldn't be so hard to do once you realize that you do in fact have a problem. However with me, it took a while for my brain to accept it. My mind kept trying to talk me out of it. It would say you can just have one...but I can't, one leads to more and more and more.

Having a sponsor is a big deal. You need a sponsor to either help you walk through or to walk with you through the steps. I'm fortunate that my sponsor is not only willing to help me walk but is willing to walk with me. For me at least, it's similar to a life coach who's also one of your best friends. My sponsor listens to me no matter how psychotic I feel, and then gives me advice or just continues to listen until I ask for advice. In the little experience that I have I feel that it's truly important to find a sponsor that speaks the same language (figurative) as you.

I didn't really understand step two but thanks to my sponsor it was explained to me. Step two is the one that says that we've come to believe that there's a Power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity. What did this sanity mean? I mean I believed in God. But being a bipolar, obsessive compulsive, alcoholic, I couldn't help but to wonder which form of sanity are we referring to here. For me it seemed to be the sanity of managing our life from day to day. Which from my own account had become unmanageable. From what I understand several people have a hard time with this step in that they don't want to hear about God or religion or Higher Power's , but my sponsor put it to me like this for those who can't accept that, some choose to let the group be their higher power. I thought, you know, this is a good idea. I do believe in a God of my understanding and I feel that I have a personal relationship him, but it would also be good to have the earth bound guidance. So I let the group be my earthly higher power, because they're human and I can get immediate guidance from them, and then let the God of my understanding be my ultimate higher power. That was step two for me.

I find that step three is easier said than done. Step three, at least to me is one of those ongoing steps. This is where we decide to turn our will over to God as we understand him. I thought with this step well, ok, so I'm gonna hand over control. The thing is is that I like control of situational outcomes, if I can have it. But I accepted that I haven't done such a wonderful job so far so I will turn my will over to God as I understand him. So it's done, right... well not exactly. Throughout our daily lives we are faced with things we can't necessarily control. These things have a tendency to upset us and lead us to anger, or hurt feelings, or our next drunk. This step is about letting go of those things, those notions, and letting the God of our understanding be in control. That's the hard part, the doing it. I have recently been in one of those situations, and my sponsor pointed out to me something that I had considered, but dismissed. It was brought to my attention that this was perfect practice. I had already decided to quit my job, but they decided before I told them that they weren't going to rehire me. I was fine with not being rehired, but the final evaluation that I received really damaged my ego. Time to really let God be in control, but I had a hard time with this. I've since come to terms for the most part. But this is why I also say that this step, at least for me is an ongoing process.

I'm now at step four. My sponsor has been really great at listening to me. I hear some say that this is a hard step and some things I haven't addressed yet so I can't really say. But I'm on my way.